Hello! It’s me.

Gramps sends along an appalling incursion from the enemy.

Brands, you don’t want to normalize this behavior (but click here if you want to purchase a bottle).

The text says “despite all precautions, you do buy at your own risk.” Well, they’ve got that right.

Friends, this is how the enemy gets to you. Pretty soon you are sitting in your easy chair eating a Chalupacabra and sippin’ an unholy version of communion wine. Next thing you know you’ve got a Chupacabra as a house pet (named Paca). You’re screaming at Paca to stop throwing remote controls through triple pane windows. All these things happen when you normalize the enemy. Trust me.

Hello. It’s me!!

Is there anything better than a partly cloudy day?

Now, partly cloudy comes with conditions. Partly cloudy and 42 degrees when the normal high is 60 isn’t great. But partly cloudy and 76 when the normal high is 70, well, that’s a whole ‘nuther thing.

I like to start a partly cloudy day by grabbing a towel to adorn the artificial turf with.

Getting “the right” towel is a bit of a process. I’ll sample varieties until I get the specific towel that matches the mood of the day.

Then it is a matter of getting comfortable.

Eventually, I arrive at a point of what I call “blanket equilibrium”.

But once “partly cloudy” becomes “sunny” I abandon all blankets and instead focus on absorbing as much of “El Sol” as I can … usually with a toy in tow.

Then “partly cloudy” returns and it’s time to hit the road for some fun.

With the breeze blowing, I am always hopeful we are going somewhere interesting.

Sometimes we arrive at an interesting place.

And sometimes we arrive at the vet … #ugh.

The nice thing about a “partly cloudy” day is that anything is possible … even the potential of finding the elusive “Wendy” … or a food truck in the worst case.

Hello! It’s me!!

These are the “salad days, as they say” (click here). Well, if the phrase is good enough for the Cohen Brothers classic (Raising Arizona) from the late 1980s, then the phrase is good enough for me.

You’ll be happy to know I visited the vet today. I immediately began searching for a way out.

Mom wasn’t having any of it. I listened while she prepped me for shots.

And then I considered abandoning the appointment anew.

The best part of the appointment? Two things.

• My dislocating rear knees aren’t as bad as previously thought – though they were “a-poppin'” during the exam, I don’t have any of the limping problems I was having last fall. In fact, the vet told me to “get more exercise”. There’s nothing wrong with chuggin’ through the neighborhood on a crisp 50 degree morning, #amirite?
• I lost another 0.6 pounds, and am down 0.8 pounds since Christmas. I’m a lean, mean, snugglin’ machine.

With a vet visit behind me, it’s time for a little bit of True or False?

True or False … I’m losing weight because my friends are serving me drill bits instead of food.

True or False … I get a 1/3rd vote on all matters concerning a possible new backyard “Casita”?

True or False … Cupcakes are an integral part of any credible weight-loss plan.

True or False … Happy Hour leads to Sleepy Hour.

True or False … I have the upper hand in this situation at the dog park, based on the position of my right rear leg …

True or False … I could puncture the plastic container with my incisors in under eight seconds and guzzle an entire gallon of thirst-quenching ice water on a hot day.

Hello! It’s me.

Just chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ on my patio when a Taco Bell commercial offers the viewer an abomination …

Hello! It’s mmmmmmeeeeeeeee!

See that? That’s artificial turf. The kind of stuff the big pups play on. I wanted some. So I had a talk with Dad. The talk went something like this:

Dash: I want artificial turf.

Dad: Why?

Dash: Football teams play on artificial turf. I want to play on artificial turf.

Dad: Alright.

Dash: Seriously. You can roll on it. You can potty on it. You can putt a golf ball on it.

Dad: Uh huh.

Dash: Here’s what I’d like to see. I’d like to roll on artificial turf in winter in 70 degree temperatures. Can I have that?

Dad: You’d have to get a second home in Arizona if you wanted to do that.

Dash: That’s the spirit!

Dad: No.

Dash: If we had a second home in Arizona, we could have fun in the summer up north and we could have fun in the winter on artificial turf.

Dad: You want me to buy you a second home just so you can roll on artificial turf in February in sunny 70 degree conditions?

Dash: That’s the spirit!

Dad: Do you know how much a new home costs?

Dash: Yup.

Dad: How much does a new home cost?

Dash: Eleven dollars.

Dad: Hmmmm.

Dash: It’s a tempting thought.

Dad: We’d have to buy a house that was furnished. We don’t have enough furniture to fill a second home.

Dash: Offer ’em twelve dollars.

Dad: Ok.

Dash: And make sure the new house has artificial turf.

Dad: Ok.

Dash: And make sure there is a dog park within walking distance of the new home.

Dad: Anything else?

Dash: Don’t get rid of my other house. I want both of ’em.

Dad: I’ll see what I can do.

Dash: And try to make sure there’s a hot dog stand within walking distance of the new home.

Dad: A hot dog stand?

Dash: One that is Chupacabra free.

Dad: I’ll see what I can do.

Dash: Outstanding.

Well, it’s three weeks later, and Dad got me a second home in Arizona.

Yes, that’s me rolling on artificial turf in my front yard. Mom & Dad got us a winter house outside of Phoenix to complement what will be our summer house up north.

My back yard has artificial turf, offering some serious rollability, #amirite?

Dad says we’ll stay here until it gets too hot, then we’ll head north for summer, putting me in perpetual warm weather mode.

And yes, there’s a dog park and a hot dog stand within walking distance of my new lawn with artificial turf. Fully furnished home, too. The pup who used to live in the home took good care of it.

That’s my big news, pups. For my next act, I’d like to purchase an airplane. Dad, what say you?

For the next three or four months, updates will come from Hacienda Sur.

Hello! It’s me!!

I know, one could zoom in on that image. But if you do that, I will not look like a blur of speed on my way to lick your bare toes – I’ll just look like a blur.

Today was a big day at the dog park. The dog park is like Facebook for canines – we discuss the popular topics of the day, and in predictable fashion, we learn that we are a species divided. But not at first – at first, we explored our commonalities.

Then the Shetland Sheepdog says something about there being more dogs at the dog park today than at any time in history. She says this is the biggest crowd ever. Well, that started a whole rhubarb, lemme tell you.

I asked the Shetland Sheepdog what “proof”, what “facts” she had to issue her claim? Turns out she had the temerity to tell me that she was using “alternate facts” and told me that we won’t always agree on the facts. She thought my argument was sad.

Some of the attendees defended the Shetland Sheepdog, putting me on the defensive. They told me that their side “won” the argument. And by looking at this picture, it is clear that these two “won” the argument.

Soon enough, of course, I found an audience that saw the world the way I saw the world. We thrived in a corner of the park where our facts were the right facts, where we agreed that the Shetland Sheepdog was misleading everybody. When one of us spoke, the others enthusiastically agreed with our thesis. We were right, and the other side was wrong. We had facts on our side! Just look around – you can compare pictures to other days at the dog park and see that this isn’t the biggest day ever.

Of course, you cannot spend your life inside your own bubble, only agreeing with like-minded individuals. Eventually, you have to venture over to the other side of the dog park and interact with those who have differing viewpoints. Which we did.

And we learned that we weren’t so different after all.

We learned that we all had something in common.

What do we all have in common?

We are all on the lookout for the dreaded Chupacabra, #amirite?

As long as the Chupacabra is still out there, I think we’ll be alright. The Chupacabra unites us in our quest for liberty … or treats … or whatever.

Hello. It’s me!!

See the fire? We need it. It’s been chilly here in the Valley of the Sun. Highs around 60. Generally cloudy. Nearly an inch of rain on Friday. What is this, the Pacific Northwest?

Still, I find sun where I can.

And in case you are wondering, I’ve lost 0.2 pounds since arriving in the Valley of the Sun. Lots of exercise. For instance, earlier today I met a Golden Retriever named Sarah. Lovely lady, if I may be so bold. We walked and walked and walked. Then she used her superior bodily proportions to outrun me to her home.

How about my brother Ruger, by the way, becoming an International Champion!!

No championship here, for me or for my beloved Green Bay Packers.

Then again, I’ve got to be on the lookout for that dreaded Chupacabra. Look at Grandpa and what might well be a dreaded Chupacabra.

Let’s just say I’ll be keeping eye out for ‘ole number fifteen.

When the game doesn’t go your way, you drown your sorrows in chocolate cake.

Wait … I can’t eat chocolate. Maybe I could drown my sorrows in wine.

Nah, can’t do that either (though Mom and Dad did – the called a it “wine club” – I call it an excuse to enjoy company).

I felt kinda dirty after thinking about burying the emotional pain of a football loss in food and/or wine.

Eventually, I just charted my own path … looking to nourish myself with an ample supply of rabbit waste.

There’s a lot of interesting foods to consumer here in the desert … palm tree nuts, rabbit guano, and rawhide chewies. The best stuff can be found outside while walking and waiting to go to the bathroom. I’ve milked countless 45 minute walks out of Dad while feigning urgent bathroom needs … allowing me to keep the weight off while eating whatever waste products I can find.

Are my thoughts wandering today? Absolutely. Why? I’ll let you know in a week or so … Mom and Dad have big news to share, news that will become official soon.

Hello! It’s me!!

Coyotes eat birds. I eat bird feathers. The ecosystem works.

Many people ask me, “What is it like to live in an Adult Community in Arizona?” Good question!

I look forward to each and every day – I stand at attention, awaiting our next stop.

But sometimes, my dearest friends and my family gather to watch football. These are glorious moments, as the Gladiators of the Gridiron meet to determine who gets to play again next week. The stress is palpable. And in the early portion of today’s contest, I just wanted safety and comfort after a miserable first quarter.

But then, this happened (click here).

The mood lightened, and my beloved Green Bay Packers went on to thump the Giants 38-13. As the game wound down, I made the rounds, chatting with family and friends about more important issues.

Like here, where I ask “when do you think it will be warm enough to swim in the pool?”

Or seconds later, when I asked “what are the economic and climate change benefits of using a battery-operated golf cart?”

Friends, family, stimulating conversations and a Packers win. An exhausting and pleasurable day here in An Adult Community in Arizona.

Hello! It’s me.

Here’s the 411. I need to go to the bathroom at about 3:00am. Dad takes me out the front door. We look to the left, down the street. Three doors down, in the middle of the street, what do we see?

• Coyote.

Dad and I head to the sidewalk. What do we see?

• Six Coyotes.

Sure, they all head down the street and disperse through different yards, no less. Threat over.

But not for neighborhood rabbits – where the threat must be endless.

So while I am out there eating rabbit waste (aka “Nature’s Nachos”) at 3:00am, ugly Coyotes are eating nacho providers.

#nature.

Dad says he’s running time-lapse on the GoPro tonight.

Hello! It’s me.

Yup, that’s me, levitating at my friend’s house this morning. I was achieving “big air” moments as I ran from outside to inside getting ready to terrorize a cat. I’m sure you know the feeling. Everybody has Big Air Moments, #amirite?

Like this one last week.

I was like #omg I found her, my beloved Wendy!!

Then two days later, I saw this …

And I started to think to myself, “What does spicy sriracha chicken have to do with Wendy?” Not much. Not much at all. Seemed like a ploy to pull six bucks out of Dad’s wallet, not a plan to find my friend.

So I moved on.

One is inclined to move on after waking up on a Friday morning and learning that three cars were broken into at your hotel parking lot. Dad goes running over to our car, and I’m like “don’t worry about me, I’m fine, nobody tried to steal me, #blessed”. But Dad was hyper-focused on a nine-year-old car. Oh to stay at a hotel with an apparent blood stain seven feet up a bathroom wall and evening robberies. I’m only giving them two paws.

Last Friday, we spent three hours making the trip through Los Angeles proper – we didn’t get out of the car, mind you, we just sat there and idled for three hours.

Eventually, we arrived here.

We stayed with new friends – family of friends I met last summer in Wisconsin. The whole house had the scent of Vaughn the Wonder Pup – I can tell, because I got to take a swipe at Vaughn’s most coveted prize.

Looking back …

… it was a great event, and a real opportunity to sample the fun down in San Diego County.

Next, we hopped over the mountains to stay with friends from our visit to Wisconsin last summer … my peeps now live south of the Inland Empire. I was ready for fun!

Now, my friends live with a pup named Abby – the two of us celebrated the beginning of 2017 in style.

But then, like all New Year’s celebrations, things got out of hand.

And so here we are now, in Arizona in January. The forecast calls for lots of sun and fun. Lots of Big Air Moments like this one!