Hello! It’s me!

There’s nothing like a belly full of food to allow one a good snooze. Unless you are a fussy eater.

I am a fussy eater!

This is how Dad thinks I should sup.

This is how I think I should sup.

I think you’ll agree that a heavily salted ribsteak with buttery mushroom accompaniment outperforms a bowl of bits every day of the week, amirite?

So I have stopped eating my food. No more.

Seriously. I won’t eat dog food anymore.

Sometimes, if necessary, I will digest a Milk Bone dog biscuit (I’d prefer a human biscuit, but no dice on that front). I do love string cheese and chicken, but I’m done with dog food. And Mom & Dad rarely give me table scraps, so it’s kinda hard to find suitable culinary delights these days.

No more dog food.

And I’m certain that you, the loyal reader, do not eat dog food either.

So here’s your chance to “join the conversation”, as the pundits say. What would you like to see me eat? Ribsteak? Dog Food? Or something else?

Hello! It’s me!!

Maybe this happens to you, too. There’s this magical time of day when a delivery person arrives. He or she brings packages. Food from Blue Apron. Gadgets from Amazon. Envelopes requesting payment on a mortgage. It’s soooooo exciting! Soooooo exciting!

Delivery people love me, let’s be honest, and who can blame them? They politely ignore my incessant howling when they arrive and the front door is wide open and Dad is busy talking to a client on the phone … they calmly waltz over to the front door and shower our household with magic, rubbing my belly in the process.

The internet economy is a thrill-a-minute. I’m just happy I have a front row seat for all of the action.

Hello. It’s me.

You’d think my parents and their friends would want to spend every possible minute with a puppy. Right? I won’t always be like this … soft … warm … periodically manic.

But today, Mom had folks over for crafting. I was excluded. Had to lay on the floor, door closed, hanging out with Dad. On a rug populated with a color palette including purple. Let that one sink in for a moment.

Time goes by faster when you sleep, so that’s what I did. I slept. By myself. Alone. Excluded from activities.

You may now play a song by Bread, to enhance the feelings I experienced today.

Hello! It’s me.

Spring days are filled with adventure. I find the harassing nature of “musca domestica” particularly vexing. The revolting insecta cling to the window … but when I stand to observe the housefly, it scurries away. Sometimes higher up the window. Sometimes to another window. Sometimes to a half-eaten banana in the kitchen. But always flying away.

Do you ever dream about flying? I do. But if I could fly, I’d have to deal with feathers in my mouth, and nobody wants to deal with that.

Hello. It’s me.

That’s the “after” photo. Long, long after … THE TERROR.

Lemme explain.

First, something burns in the oven.

And when something burns in the oven, this little device talks to all of the other little devices across the house … they beep … they beep at a decibel level that causes me to experience … THE TERROR.

And when I experience THE TERROR … I curl up in the fetal position and I shake for approximately forty minutes. Forty minutes. Of shaking. Shivering. TERROR.

Now, I don’t care what Blue Apron has to say about cooking mushrooms … you don’t cook mushrooms in the oven for 23 minutes at 475 degrees … because when you do that, you invoke THE TERROR.

Let me be perfectly honest here.

I’m not a fan … of THE TERROR … at all.

Hello! It’s me.

Hello. It’s me!

That’s a small molar, friends. Over the past two weeks, I have been swallowing teeth like an NFL quarterback swallows vicodin.

Is it ok to say that? If not, I’m a pup, I don’t know better #putdashintimeout

It hit 89 degrees in Seattle today … 65 at our house. With seals and sea lions swimming by and eagles circling the perimeter looking for tasty salmon, Dad imprisoned me on our deck. So this is how I spent my time … I hounded creepy-crawlers! (visit the website if you cannot see the video).

Hello! It’s me.

Spring has sprung in the Pacific Northwest. And with record high temperatures forecast for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, I thought I’d saturate my already malodorous fur with yard clippings from the grassy knoll adjacent to the Farmers Market.

By the time Dad loaded me in the car, I was in full bloom.

All was good in my world. I lay next to Dad’s leg on the five minute ride home.

But then … the script writers presented me with a plot twist.

It was time for me to present the script writers with a  dizzying twist of my own (visit the website if you cannot see the video in your email).

Life is a big ‘ol game of whack-a-mole … I enjoy fresh cuttings, Dad enjoys bathing me, I enjoy terrorizing our living quarters.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to be next to the fireplace, where propane-infused heat evaporates cleansing fluids from my soft coat of adorable fur.

Hello.It’s me!!

Dad thought it might be fun to “broaden my horizons” today. So he took me on a one hour walk. Now personally, I think Dad was fed up with me ringing the bell every forty minutes to go out and go to the bathroom (I really had to go, often, sorry) and wanted me to vacate every possible fluid or solid contained inside my modest frame.

Exhausted from the walk, Dad takes me over to the local seafood market … and asks me to introduce myself to … THIS:

Yup, that is a SEAL. And as you can see, I was NONE TOO HAPPY about having to spend any time with this squid loving pinniped. NONE TOO HAPPY at all. Terrified Uninterested is a more reasonable word to describe the situation. I didn’t need to seal the deal with this one-eyed seal allegedly named “Popeye” (seriously, that’s his name).

As we speak, I’m trying my hardest to dream the indignity of a random meeting with a phocid out of my mind.

Hello! It’s me.

There was a time when you could count on things to be real. Like back in February, for instance. But in modern times, it’s hard to discern what is real, and what is not real.

Like this one, for instance. Why would somebody do this?

But that was Saturday. Yesterday, somebody really upped their game – you want to talk about fake animals – then take a look at this video (visit the website if the video does not appear in your email message).

I mean, are you kidding me? A fake pig?

This is the world we live in. You simply don’t know what is real and what is not real. At least not until you investigate the situation.

And let’s be honest. These investigations take precious time away from the activities that really matter, like leaving pee-mail for my friends.