Pokemon Go!

Hello! It’s me.

IMG_2124

Let’s just say I was unable to catch the fly on the window.

You’ve probably heard about Pokemon Go, right? It’s the game that folks are playing where they are trying to find and capture Zubats, Pidgeys and Rattatas on their phones via augmented reality.

Lemme tell you something. Every day is like augmented reality in my world. I’m constantly assessing threats, praying not to run across the fabled chupacabra, or looking with a soft heart for my beloved Wendy.

I like to keep my own score.

  • Each Perceived Threat = 10 Points.
  • Each Human Who Pats My Head = 50 Points.
  • Each Canine Interaction = 100 Points.
  • Each Threat Correctly Identified = 200 Points.
  • Each Time I Get To Eat Human Food = 250 Points.
  • Each Interaction With A Service Dog = 500 Points.
  • Face To Face Meeting With A Chupacabra = Game Over, Lose.
  • Face To Face Meeting With Wendy = Game Over, Win.

Today, it was all about setting a Personal Best score. I approached my job with unfettered dedication (visit the website if you cannot see the video).

I earned a quick 200 points when I identified this threat as “Rusted Metal”.

IMG_2139

It doesn’t always go like clockwork, however. This is a perceived threat, in a street no less.

IMG_2140

Pylons, it turns out, are a perceived threat.

IMG_2151

I simply marked this threat as “assessed”.

IMG_2153

After tallying a bunch of ten pointers, I began to hit the jackpot. Although, to be fair, this beefy pup told me that I was coming in hot.

IMG_2143

But that was a hundred points, and I don’t apologize for racking up big point totals.

IMG_2130

There were plenty of fifty point opportunities as well.

IMG_2136

But I was looking for a big point total. The process is exhausting.

IMG_2145

But just when it looked like I was going home with a paltry 750 points, give or take, I sensed a huge opportunity.

IMG_2147

I make my move!

IMG_2148

And then … YAHTZEE!!!

IMG_2150

That’s a five hundred point service dog, my friends. My personal best (1,150 points) was now within reach. All I had to do was convince Pops to toss me a tenderloin tip, and I was home free!

IMG_2158

By 1:43pm in the afternoon, I tallied a new Personal Best … 1,300 Points!!!

This is where you offer me enthusiastic applause.

Thank you!

Did I find a chupacabra? No.

Did I find my beloved Wendy? Not even close.

But I can rest comfortably, knowing I had my best day ever.

IMG_2160

A Day of Rest

Hello! It’s me.

IMG_1956

Use the comments to tell our ever-growing audience what you think is going on in the image.

As I rub eye-goobers all over Dad’s office rug, I am reminded of yesterday. It was a Sunday, and that means it was a day of rest at Casa De Guion.

IMG_2060

IMG_2061

IMG_2063

IMG_2066

If this were a random Tuesday, I’d be disarming various threats (visit the website if you cannot see the video).

But on a Sunday? You put a lite rock song from Gloria Estefan on the bluetooth speaker … maybe “Can’t Stay Away From You“, and you soak up some sun, dreaming of a chance encounter with Wendy … or of a bowl of vanilla ice cream … or the opportunity to carry a small albeit highly arid twig in your mouth for the final 300 meters of a walk to the mailbox #needwater.

Farmer’s Market

Hello. It’s me!

IMG_2025

Saturday is the day when produce is brought to the attention of the public. I know, I know, you think you can just waltz down to the local Safeway and purchase greens at your convenience. You’d be wrong.

“Everybody” is out on a Saturday morning in summer. Personally, I like to walk the streets. It’s a cardio-friendly activity, and you never know who you’ll run into.

IMG_2019

IMG_2017

I think their names were Michael and Ella, or something like that. Doesn’t really matter. They were telling me that they had not seen a single chupacabra all morning. That’s what really matters. Ella mentioned that there was a bowl of fresh water just a block away. Insider tips are a big part of the Saturday morning stroll through town.

Sometimes, you get a discriminatory message that really get under your skin.

IMG_2011

Yeah, thanks.

This frisky couple were having a bit of a spat … look at how the one pup blocks the presence of the other pup with an assertive left-paw maneuver.

IMG_2016

I’m not one for the single paw gesture. I like to put both front paws on the face of a dog during a meet-and-greet. You’d be surprised how often that move goes sideways.

Even though I could not enter the market, I was told that lettuce, kale, and scooters were in abundance.

IMG_2012

I asked my friend Jack how he was doing?

IMG_2020

Jack told me to check out the huge Surf & Turf sale – he thought Dad might be willing to purchase some sockeye salmon for lunch.

IMG_2021

Some pups stayed away from the market and from the Huge Sale – they just relaxed and did some canine watching.

IMG_2008

Up and down the streets we strolled … streets where produce was sold. When we finally got home, I decided to end this poem.

IMG_2026

Best Practices For Insect Inspection

Hello! It’s me!!

IMG_1945

Dad says, “Hey buddy, there’s a fly over by the deck door!”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Boy (visit the website if you cannot see the video).

There are a handful of Best Practices we all need to follow when probing an insect.

First, make sure you approach in a crouching position.

IMG_1951

“Low and Slow” is how I like to make my move. The last thing you want to tell a fly is “Hey, Dude, please sit there while I crush your exoskeleton with my paw” It’s been my experience that flies do not appreciate being told of their imminent demise – heck, I’ve seen them fly away when approached inappropriately, like they want to actually get away from you. That’s not fun for anybody. So be sure to sneak up on the insect.

Second, I like to tease the insect. I playfully bat the fly with my right front paw, maybe a half-dozen times. I do this to stun the winged warrior. Yes, occasionally this playful batting motion causes damage … crushed legs, wrecked wings, that kind of thing. That’s all part of the game, and they’ll always be another fly on the horizon, so don’t let it get you down if you cause damage. But the longer you prolong the inevitable, the more fun you get to have.

Third, move in to “retire” the insect. Once the insect has been subdued, forcefully crunch the insect with your teeth. By this time, you have been unable to protect the sensitive insect exoskeleton, severely damaging the frame during “playtime”, so put the little critter out of her misery. In fact, go ahead and eat the insect, if you so desire. Insects are a fantastic source of protein.

This is where “the feelz” kick in.

IMG_1952

There’s a certain melancholy that kicks in once the victim descends into your fundus.

IMG_1955

So my fourth and final Best Practice is this … CHEER UP! Don’t let the “termination” of the event get you down. Be vigilant. Always be vigilant. There may well be another insect hiding around the corner. And if there is, the insect may well provide the medicine that soothes the savage soul of a pup looking for something to do.

 

Lunch

Hello. It’s me!

IMG_1934

As you may already know, I am a finicky eater.

  • I will not eat out of a bowl.
  • I will not eat dog food #pedestrian.
  • I only eat a tiny fraction of any dog treat, if I choose to eat it at all.
  • In instances where I am starving, I make Dad’s life miserable instead of actually eating dog food out of a bowl.
  • String Cheese is the go-to-choice, but I’m growing sick of that, too.

So for lunch, Dad decided to implement a test. What would I eat?

IMG_1937

Would I eat SPAM (a registered trademark of the Spam Corporation, Austin, MN)?

Would I eat sunny-side up organic cage-free farm-fresh eggs?

Would I eat neither?

Would I eat both?

I know, the drama is killing you. And for those of you who are a slight bit lemonheaded and think that you’d just starve me and force me to eat my dog food out of a bowl, lemme tell you, I’d make your life miserable. Each of the past two mornings, Dad tried to do just that … and as a courteous way of thanking him, I threw up yellow/foamy bile on his new living room rug. I had body shakes prior to throwing up. Seriously. That’s how I get when I am starving to death and food is available and I refuse to eat it. This morning, body shakes once again. I was preparing to vomit all over the place for the third consecutive day when Dad got me to eat some ham. Then things were fine. Of course, you’re saying to yourself, “Well, Dash, you are a manipulative little critter, aren’t you?” I don’t view this as manipulation. I view this as adaptation. Both sides gently adapting to each other.

Where was I?

Oh, the quiz question.

I elected to eat THE EGGS!! I refused the SPAM (a registered trademark of the Spam Corporation, Austin, MN) after sampling a morsel or two. #notrealmeat

But the eggs!

#mmmmmmgoood

 

 

Do The Hustle!!

Hello! It’s me.

IMG_1931

I thought you might want to see what it looks like when I am asked to cross the street. Dad says “Let’s Hustle” … and then I comply (if you cannot see the video, please visit the website to witness the magic).

I mean, what do you think of that? The raw athleticism? The unstable and unbalanced and uncentered camera images? The adoring masses cheering my progress. It’s a lot to digest!

Like I said, when Dad wants me to cross the street, he asks me to “Hustle”.

I like to do the hustle!!