Hello. It’s me.

Yes, I’m corked off.

Here’s the 411. Dad unilaterally decides that today is BATH DAY. Have you ever been put through one of these experience? You’re dumped into a tub of tepid water while Dad applies a disgusting mix of soap and fragrance to your fur. When the experience ends (and it’s a horribly long, virtually endless 300 seconds, #amirite?), Dad goes through the motions, drying the moisture on my fur by about 25%.

During a bath, I try to go to a special, private place way, WAY back in the recesses of my Beautiful Mind. It was there, in the recesses of my Beautiful Mind that I realized that I had options.

Option #1: Obediently leave the tub area and wait for the evaporative magic of the desert to dry me into a cleansed state.

Option #2: Remember that construction workers removed a support beam out of the back yard and replaced the travertine with sand … sand that will be replaced by travertine tomorrow.

I selected option #2.

Within 30 seconds of the end of my bath, I coated my entire body in a grainy melange of sand and dirt … materials that adhere to moist fur, if I may be so bold.

It’s so important that you know all of your options.

I only pre-thought one of my options, and that option came with consequences.

Dad introduced a new option to me … an option called the “Bonus Bath”. All of the delightful grains of sand were removed from my previously soapy fur.

This left me with few options.