Hello! It’s me.

One of the things that I love about Obamacare is that I get free visits to the vet. That’s right, if I have an issue or a multitude of issues, we just hop in the car and drive to the vet, where I promptly receive professional and inexpensive care.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I don’t like to talk about these things, friends. We have a certain agreement, you and I. I protect the Universe from threats like Rusted Metal, you shower me with love and admiration. It’s a two-way street that, quite frankly, works for both of us.

But something was amiss the past few weeks.

Like when you spend eight hours a day biting at your butt. We’ve all been there, dealing with pressure in our anal sacs. Burning. Swelling. Throbbing. Well, there’s only so much you can take before you stop wanting to do anything. So on Wednesday, I spent a large chunk of a glorious late-summer afternoon rubbing my rear end up and down the gravel driveway – abrasive and dusty, sure, but something had to be done to quell the burning.

Mom dials up the free health care line on Thursday, and we get a 4:30 appointment.

The vet props me up on the table.

She wiggles my rear end, then touches my right knee, then my left knee, then my right knee.

And I’m like “Dude, the burning sensation is in my anus.”

The vet looks up, and says, “His Knees Just Popped Out Of Joint“.

Mom says “Knees, as in plural?”

And then Dad looks at the vet and says “Wut?”

The vet says, “Yeah, I had a dog that had Luxating Patellas. The knees pop out of joint all the time. It’s a genetic issue common in small breeds, one that is exaggerated by being overweight. Your dog has a Luxating Patella – in each knee! And your dog is overweight.”

And then Dad looks at the vet and says, “Is that the reason he’s biting his rear end and is dragging his but across the ground?”

The vet gives Dad that “Geez, your light bulb is only running on 30 watts today, huh?” kind of look, and says “We haven’t even begun the examination yet.”

So here’s the 411, my friends. Both of my rear knees pop out of joint all the time, and this slowed me down a bit (I don’t like running up our ramps and I don’t like going uphill as much as I used to and I sure don’t like navigating steps like I used to), causing me to gain weight, and the weight issue was amplified by my desire to be an odd little eater coupled with a recent craving for Canadian Bacon, which amplified the knee problem.

You can click here to learn more about my knees.

End result? Strict diet of dog food (#yeahright) and the need to shed a few pounds … and if all goes well … we’re talking about possibly having surgery on both of my rear knees.

Then we began the examination.

My anal sacs were expressed. Chunky gunk rolls out of one sac, gunk that caused the discomfort Mom & Dad took me to the vet for in the first place. Our Vet says “We may want to remove those sacs too, given that they serve no purpose and are causing discomfort and this is the second time we’ve expressed them already.”

And then Dad looks at the vet and says “Wut?”

That’s the point where the examination ended.

The good thing about my knees is that they don’t hurt.

But my inactivity over the past six weeks caused a lot of weight gain, and the weight gain caused the knee problems to get worse, causing more inactivity.

So now we’re on a diet, and we’ll take a few pounds off, and then we’ll see where my knees are at.

And my butt feels better already!!